In My Skin

The Other Side of the Fence

2010-02-08T22:45:00.004-05:00

So............today I experienced my first parents' consultation from the other side of the fence. I say other side of the fence because I am or rather I have been accustomed to my mother going in to see my subject teachers and coming back with the report that nobody cared to see her. Of course this was because at the time I was a well-behaved student...note I said at the time..LOL

So anyway, I was only supposed to be observing. However, as I approached the room slated for History teachers, my co-op teacher bawl out "Yes! Come! U fi deya!" I acted dignified..."yes me fi deh ere", I thought...me a teacha to! LOL...so me haul up me chair and start lissen een...all to know se di man pass d baton an seh "Yes Ms. Findley, what can you say about this student?" and in no time, di man git up lef me. Me alla talk to parents of pikney whe me nuh teach...but little did the people dem know eeh? LOL! Am sure (hoping really) they were not that dunce!

Yes as I was saying, I saw a host of reactions of parents to their children's reports. I tell you, some of these parents amazed me. I wondered to myself "but if u kno u pikney problem, y u wait til u get report fi recognize se it was a problem?"

"So an so doesn't read and mi tiyad fi talk to him/her" was the most repeated phrase of the day! But as a parent you are aware of your child'sshortcomings. You are aware of the fact that your child does not read yet you expect them ..sorry...you expect the teacher to have worked a miracle such that the child could have passed the exam with flying colours?

As I told students to buckle down, I was tempted to tell parents to shape up! This one parent said, as we suggested ways of taking away privileges from her child (some of which are borderline luxury), she doesn't believe in taking away cell phones or IPODs or internet or anything for that matter. So madda wat u believe in den? What will your role be in ensuring the academic success of your child? And of course this student's performance was not anything to write home about....! On a much brighter note, however, I got full permission to wring off some pikney neck! Wooohoooo!

Granted, some students are a pleasure to work with regardless of their academic performances. Some of them are very well-mannered and some are very personable while some could care less or rather...they could give a rat's ass! That's the reality. And as I spoke through the course of the day I gave greater validation to what I have always said...Teachers alone cannot mold students. Parents have a part to play. And that's how I see it from the other side of the fence.

Season's Greetings

2009-12-24T21:21:00.005-05:00

On Your Marks...

2009-11-12T19:30:00.003-05:00

Teaching Practice officially begins January 11, 2010. Today I went to the school to which I was placed. The experience was a fairly good one to start off with. I achieved so much today. I am rearing to go although I haven't started collecting stuff yet. It's almost like I can't wait to see how well I will handle this challenge. Am excited. Wonder how I'll feel after about 2 or 3 weeks in?....

I Feel Betrayed

2009-11-02T18:38:00.002-05:00

Although I've made a million mistakes in my life, I've learnt a million and one lessons. 2009 has taught me many things and above all I have learnt that I am too trusting of people. Between the end of last year and now I cannot count how many times people have betrayed me and all because I just never see it coming.

I have tried to just press delete on some people in my life and am still trying to delete a few more. I am not really a loner per se but alone time gets me in thinking mode and I try as best as I can to see where I went wrong that caused things to get to the points they have reached. I blame myself really because I control my own fate.

Typically, I want the best for people and I always want to see them give of their best. But some people have such low standards and have no honour and they could care less the repercussions of their actions. That's not me...I weigh pros and cons and then act. For the most part anyway.

The ultimate betrayal from which I have suffered, am still trying to recover. I have suffered many losses as a result of it and I don't think I can get to a place where I can forgive. I hope my Judas reads this blog and realizes that he/she had a hand in my greatest loss! I will never forgive you! Ever...

One Drop

2009-06-08T23:06:00.004-05:00

Pressure - Make Up To Breakup

Roots to Routes

2009-05-28T17:14:00.004-05:00

Roots to Routes

Reggae roots to reggae routes
Nesta turns in his grave
Wailing souls to dying souls
His lovechild degenerates.

One Love One Heart
Once musical vibrations
But signs of the time: violence, crime
Now biblical Revelations.

Reggae’s king, his queen: She’s Royal
Riley’s Parables celebration
But everyday new demands
Female demoralization.

On the edge, on the “that”
On the coaster bus
No respect. Disrespect
Lover’s rock now lust.

Blender sings a Ghetto People Song
Voices behind the zinc
Trench Town Rock a rock no more
Gaza, Gullyside headline Sting.

Bands and bans
The offspring: dancehall
Gone global, international
Locally appalled.

Skateland. No, Jamworld
The people cry encore
Commission’s legislation
No airplay. No more.

Generations of building blocks
Crash and burn to soot
Prison Oval Rock tumbling down
Reggae roots to reggae routes.

Check The Sunday Gleaner May 17, 2009

The Art of Taking An Exam

2009-05-13T18:09:00.002-05:00

There is a science known as examinology and I shall take the credit for pioneering it! LOL.

So it's exam season once again; time to show that you sponged up all the information, did your research and can put pen to paper to produce mastery despite the limits of time.

There is a method to this madness known as exams and although their intents and purposes are to drive innocent students to insanity, I have always maintained my cool. So what if I want to keep it a secret that I am literally shitting in my drawers? But there are some sure fire ways of "sawting out di ting!"

1. Get there early. Who the hell wants to be wiping beads of sweat in a frantic race to find a seat and get settled. Can you imagine if your pen just decides to take the day off? U luddy. Get there early, get your things ready and laywait the invigilators to say "OK you may enter the exam hall!" amidst wiping off THEIR beads of sweat!

2. Test the seats. So yes you want to be really comfortable. Try out the desks and chairs. After all you are early so you have the time. If you are pleasantly plump, beefy, burly, buxom, chunky, corpulent, fleshy, full, obese (I don't like this one!), portly, pudgy, rotund, round, stout, tubby or just plain FLUFFYYYY ( to the werl) then you may want to make sure your legs of ham hold comfortably under the desk and the chair will be able to contain your junken trunk for the next two to three hours.

3. Get the paper and check the clock. So you want to time yourself. No more than x amount of time must be spent on any one question. Wait , wait I forgot....

4. Before checking the clock just quickly scan and choose the question. This shouldn't take long. Why? Hopefully you prepared for the worst but the best is on the paper. Really, if you think about it, there must be at least two questions you can do (DOG NYAM U SUPPA IF YOU ARE REQUIRED TO DO THREE!). Once you decide, don't chnage your mind. If you do then guaranteed you will be thrown off course. Just pretend those are the only two questions on the paper and get to thinking.

5. You cannot write everything you know. Hopefully after having gone through a semester of instruction, your lecturer would have already known what you are capable of. Exams only test application of principles under pressure. After all this is what you will face in the real world. Three good points are all you will need and "yu gaan a lead". It's not about showing off your study skills expertise. You have to keep it in focus.

6.Finish early. You want to give yourself ample time to just make minor corrections and really make sure you did your best. If there is something you remember, let it stay in your head because if you dare try to "skwinch" it in, it only demonstrates that you have failed. Adding that extra sentence will only throw off the six or seven you already had. Points off for organization *snicker**snicker**snicker*

7. Walk out my girl (or yute) walk out. Really, this is my favourite part. I have left all that is that one exam paper behind. I try to finish very very very early, like half an hour early, only because I do not want to hear the big hullabaloo that will be when the final bell sound. Discussing exams after they are done only means that for the next few months (while the papers are being marked) your blood pressure is bound to rise, you may lose a few pounds (hhmmm this may be a good ting)and you may pull out your hair wondering "what have I done". Be confident enough to know that you were right and they (the after- exam discussers) were wrong (Jesus weep if a nu so it go).

Well I don't know. I guess everybody has their own style. Mine has worked for me so far (maybe until after my history exam tomorrow) and I feel like I'm gonna stick to it!

Happy Belated.....to me

2009-04-17T18:56:00.002-05:00

One year older!

It Feels Great

2009-02-20T18:06:00.006-05:00

After 2 and a 1/2 years of expecting more and only getting more headaches I decided to part ways with Digicel on their Voluntary Separation Programme. This came at a fairly convenient time as I really wanted to just resign and focus fully on school.

So as I get used to not having a steady job for probably the first time in about 6 years, I forge forward with renewed spirits and hope I will be able to effectively manage my finances in this global recession.

You know how relaxing it feels to be making this blog entry from school at 6 o' clock on a Friday evening? It Feels Great!

Since September?

2009-02-15T10:37:00.010-05:00

All of 5 months and no blogging? Truth is I have been extremely busy; busy taking care of everyone else but myself. I am about to turn a new page in my life and I really hope it works out fantastic. What I am looking forward to most is the opportunity to just RELAX!!!

So what has been happening for the past 5 or so months?...School, work, schoolwork,School, work, schoolwork,School, work, schoolwork,School, work, schoolwork,School, work, schoolwork,School, work, schoolwork,School, work, schoolwork,School, work, schoolwork,School, work, schoolwork,School, work, schoolwork, (tell me when to stop!)

I lost a friend in Stuart Brown. I was so disturbed I couldn't even blog about it as I did with Taiwo and my mom. To add salt to the wound I had thought that all funeral arrangements and events would have been held in Florida, come to find out there was a memorial service her in Jamaica and I did not get to go.

The horrors of teaching practice! I really questioned after about a few hours of the first day if this was really the profession I wanted to get into! Students nowadays make teachers get grey hairs before time a tell yuh.........@ least I had no greys after 3 weeks (save for the 3 strands I have been growing up with).

Oh...I celebrated a one year anniversary with my guy. I am still trying to figure out if he is the one (hope he never sees this post!)

Went through the regular routine of assignment and end of semester exams...as always I approached them with a cool head except for History. I was truly worried because History class @ 8am meant I could sleep a little longer after a hard night's labour. I was absent more than I was present but I always tell my lecturer "Sir don't worry about me..you know I have things under control". But I swear to yuh I had diarrhea starting about 2 days before the exam, which promptly ended after I completed the paper..it was a breeze! A little birdie told me the jitters paid off stupendously! Another little birdie also told me I was bang on with the English exams (sing with me..."me am super fly..super duper fly").

Christmas went by, New Year's went by....as usual nothing exciting to write about there. Oh sorry, Obama's swearing in made me cry! I watched every moment of the ceremony and the day's proceedings. I really hope he continues to make a name for himself.

VSP...umm..umm...maybe another time...stay tuned friends and fans!

Wrecka Wrecka

2008-09-28T13:53:00.002-05:00

Only in Jamaica you will siddung inna big big establishment like Pizza Hut and a likkle dutty car washer man woulda push door an run come een bout "WRECKA! WRECKA!" I laughed so haaaaaaaaaaaard!

Then to make it worse my friend (who does not even have a car) tear outta di people dem place lef him pizza fi go look! So mi ask him if him have vehicle , hear him "Mussi mi tWo foot a shoes wa park inna di space!"

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Wrecka wrecka! It was a good day!

Goat Mout'?

2008-07-21T22:16:00.002-05:00

A mi nayba goat mout yuh nuh...she hear mi a cough, inccocent cough an ask if mi have di bad flu?

I did not until few hours later!

Feverrrrr! Touch me an yuh get burn.
Sore throat..it hurts when I swallow!

And to top it off I had to be at work just the same. They would not let me go home and just imagine me with a throat under fire talking consistently for hours.

Now four days into it all my throat seems only to be getting worse. The fever has subsided but jesus krise mi waa eat in peace!

Isn't theraflu supposed to work? Hellllllpppppppppppppppppppp!!

Watch, Talk, Click!

2008-06-24T19:13:00.004-05:00

Will it be worth it?

So I got Flow today. So far it mek mi TV show pretty pretty but I am not sure if I will be getting my money's worth.

So far I just basically flipped through the channels to see if I see anything to get excited about. I have found a channel named People & Arts that has my kind of programming but the annoying part is that it is a Spanish channel and although the programs are in English they have the Spanish caption across the screen. Hate that! It blocks my view!

I am most disturbed because for some reason there is no HGTV!. I could have sworn it was in the line up. Checked to verify and it was not so it means I have to call in to get it and guess what? The cable is not in my name so I have to wait until it is convenient for my cousin!... wanda if she know mi nah pay nutten if mi nah get nuh HGTV....cho!

Dear Cousin, please click on this link

How the #$!@ oonu dweet?

2008-06-06T12:38:00.004-05:00

work 8 hour days?

I have not done this since I started school last August. I thought with school on vacation then maybe I could go back to 8 hours for the summer but "hell to the $@!$ no". I can only manage 5 hours on any given day of Digicel Customer Care. 8 hour days not cutting it @ all!

I can't wait to start teaching (hope I love it)!

Let Di Fun Begin

2008-05-29T20:54:00.004-05:00

Final exam was today..Was surprisingly the most challenging yet...but screw that my summer begins today.

Although I am not on much of a vacation, I don't have school to think about. Soooooo let the partying begin.....

So where are the hot spots for an aging female like me?

Study Group 2 Di Werl'

2008-05-22T00:12:00.004-05:00

Mi really neva tink seh nutten coulda go so! Mi neva was a fan a dem tings cause to me dem was a gran' waste a time. However, fi di past 4 day mi decide fi move een temporary pon Mico Hostel an tek part inna one whirlwind study group. Mi seh whirlwind cause a almost 15 people when deh deh.

A night time when we decide we ready fi study we start roun 8:30pm wid me (the designated chef) a collek donation a food item fi run a big pot. First night was a choice of tin mackerel(dutty gyal) or corn beef wid rice, secon night was stew chicken an macaroni wid rice an di third night was back to dutty gyal an rice. Di food gwaan good an as mi cook di girl dem a discuss a mi listen where mi could an contribute where mi could an mek certain fi pay attention to di bubblin pot!

Share out time come an mi did haffi mek di pat stretch fi evrybaddy get fair share. Mi master di art easy suh til one a di girl dem ask mi a how much people mi normally woulda cook for cause mi really kno how fi do di sharing. Meanwhile we a eat we a beat di books same way til people start drap asleep one one.

Mi nah lie mi not ongle get di most outta di study group but mi enjoy miself inna di meanwhile. Mi never kno seh a set a girl coulda live so good wid each odda so til we coulda form group a study so. All who a cotch pon bed an sleep a grung pon so so mattrass (excep me of course wid mi comfortable bed to miself!) An as mi siddung ya so an sleep a ride mi, mi jus a tink bout how mi miss mi "roomie", mi likkle parrie! Mi a go call har now........:)

103 Friends

2008-04-29T22:53:00.002-05:00

First there was HI5, then there was Myspace and now Facebook. This whole social networking phenomenon was never something that got me all excited. People always said I was out of the loop because I had no account on Facebook but I just sat at work Sunday evening and decided to venture this new world. Here I am 3 days and 103 friends later.

Its interesting I guess since it seems the place to be to catch up with and stay in touch with old friends and associates. Of most interest to me is the developing stages of what will be a high school 10 year reunion. Many cannot seem to believe they have come this far and gotten this old but I dont see it that way. I see it as wiser, more mature, more responsible and all that jazz (and I still am the youngest one!).

There is just one person I wish I could find on this new thing. I don't live on it like I see many have been doing, but I think my active search begins now...................will provide updates!

Me? An Award?

2008-04-14T17:06:00.002-05:00

Unconfirmed reports... I will be the recipient of an award for History Education.

So my lecturer calls me for a brief moment to collect my ID #. When I asked what for, he stated that he will speak to me off air. No prob I guess since I am not one to get into trouble.

When I finally got a chance to speak with him he indicated that the Joint Board of Teacher Education had forwarded an ID# for the recipient of the top award for History. The lecturer for the other class had already checked with her students and it belonged to none of them.

Ironically when he queried the ID# with my class I was absent...OK OK I was skulling (as usual..hey I work and go to school so if I happen to choose not to leave my house early..a girl needs rest sometimes!).So by default it had to be mine BUT he just wanted to be sure.

He sat me down in his office, stated that he has not gotten the full details of it but that was the basic idea! He proceeded to comment on my being an excellent student and that I worked hard and I deserved it. Hell yeah I deserve it and I refuse to be humble about it!

The whole situation brings back memories of high school graduation. I had worked hard for the two years of CXC. I had gotten excellent remarks from my History teacher and got the grades to back it up too. Come graduation day I sat on the edge of my seat, waiting to hear the History prize awardee....it was not me!!!!

A my time now!!!

Reflections

2008-03-16T14:33:00.001-05:00

“Finally, I’m done!”

When I found I had to create a scrap book I was disheartened. The reason was that I do not listen to the news broadcast neither do I read the papers much anymore. Whatever, news I get is second hand or word of mouth. This meant that I had to start buying the daily newspapers to get enough articles to complete the assignment.

This was a better time than any to have done such a scrap book because issues in education are burning these days. But I thought to myself if I buy the papers and collect the articles then chances are I will have the same articles as everyone else. And so I began to beg! I collected piles of newspaper subscriptions from neighbours and friends and began to sieve through to find interesting articles within the past year.

After I collected the articles I still wanted to be different so I thought of the most creative ways to mount the clippings. “Scrap book”, I thought, “then the clippings must look that way” and so I decided to present them as I have, being disappointed there is no allocation of marks for creativity.

Honestly, when I collected the clippings, I rested them down on my desk for weeks, feeling assured that at least I have the content and it should be smooth sailing from there. I was so wrong! The bulk of the work was yet to come. As an aside, I did not even read the articles. Then it was time for the summaries! As I painstakingly read each one, I began to figure how I would compose the summaries in a concise yet detailed manner according to the assignment sheet.

What I have learned? One, I have learned to take the time to keep abreast of my surroundings and that means setting aside a small amount of money to buy a newspaper, even once per week. Two, education is serious business. All has to be involved for it to reap maximum success. Three, the education sector is under attack. Teachers help to build the nation yet the nation is helping to tear us down. Tearing down the profession itself and the sector service we provide. Four, I have to be a vehicle of change. Reform has to start somewhere. While the formal ministry can address the infrastructure, the individuals involved have to address the pedagogy and that includes me.

While this task was overwhelming, I have come away with tremendous insight and in closing I must thank a wonderful boyfriend for having helped me to burn and mount!

The In-Laws

2008-03-03T09:00:00.005-05:00

So I had a fulfilling weekend. Me and Craig (the boyfriend) made somewehat of a last minute plan to visit his parents. It was really much more of a going home and getting away from Kingston but inevitably it meant seeing the in-laws. This time I was more enthused than the last.

"Highway May Pen" shouted the ducta and soon we were on a bus to Clarendon. "Chapelton, Summerfield, Pennance" cried the taxi man and we were on our way for the second leg. I was distraught as it was raining and I remembered all too well the difficulties I had climbing the hill to his house in dry weather much less in these conditions! I didn't complain, just took off my slippers and did my thing!

As we approached the house, there was daddy. He was collecting rain water. Although the community is a developing one, they have yet to get piped water. I thanked God for the rain now because at least I knew the tank would be full and I would have water to bathe (Yayyyyyyyy...No walks to the river!!!!).

Balto was barking so loud, that as daddy looked around to see us approaching, mommy peeked out too! I think maybe they were more happy to see me than him...LOL!

Immediately mommy indicated that she would be interested in whatever hairdressing skills I had as she was seeking a do for church in the morning. Naturally I obliged and sawt out the thing. When I got done doing her hair, she danced her way into her bedroom to model for daddy, asking him "Winston, look at my hair. It long dont?" She made sure I was fed, made sure I had water to bathe, talked about school, talked about life in general.

Daddy cool. He doesn't talk much but I know he into me. Sunday morning came and Craig was sick. I found it funny at first because I think he is just too greedy but eventually I had to pamper him. I asked daddy for jelly water and he obliged instantly. He cut the first jelly and as I walked off to give it to my ailing boo (LOL. I hate that word), he remarked, "So yuh ago bizniz bout fi tek care a him alone? Waapen to yuhself? U nuh want none?" and there I knew this man liked me a lot. The first indication was the fact that he remembered my name quite easily on the first visit and referred to me by it at all times. But this sealed the deal.

Like the time before, they were sad to see me leave (Craig coulda neva go back fi all dem care!). Mommy commented disappointedly that she wish she could give me a money. Interesting! Daddy was disheartened that I could not carry one a di fowl dem from outta di freeza (he rears and sells chicken). They, however, bid me farewell and invited me back at anytime.

I think my next trip back will be very soon an a me an daddy ago par!

One Long Year

2008-02-25T18:13:00.003-05:00

On this day exactly one year ago, my mother made her transition. I say transition because she did not just die, she left for a better place. At first I thought maybe it's best. Then I thought how am I going to survive.

It has been difficult! I thought I was strong enough but I found and still find myself breaking down for the simplest things. Any slight reminders, any fond memories. My heart weeps for her. Most times I cry to myself or cry to the only person that I think cares.

I have let her go but sometimes I wish she could come back. I wonder to myself most times if she really is in a better place as I would like to think. Many a times I have dreams where she just appears but she always seem ill. It's been a few days since she graced my dreams. The last time I dreamed I told her that "I have a boyfriend now". Maybe she is happy for me. Is it consent why she hasn't come around since? I wish she could have approved.

And so after today I begin counting again. Counting down the days till it becomes two years. I'm sad!:(

A Tarnished Image of Jamaica

2008-02-14T12:47:00.002-05:00

The scintillating sounds of reggae music, the record-breaking performances of sporting elites and the beauty and serenity of white sand beaches give Jamaica a place on the world map. A powerful island nation with many great achievements, Jamaica has much of which to be proud. Despite our successes and international glory, the level of crime and violence, internal corruption and intolerance for homosexuality have served to mar our global image.

Murder and other violent crimes have become increasingly prevalent in the Jamaican society. A 1998 Interpol Report on global crime rate, ranks Jamaica fourth in the world for number of murders per 100,000 persons. The majority of the violent crimes in Jamaica's metropolitan areas, especially Kingston, is associated with gangs and politics. Jamaicans are extremely passionate about social and political issues and, in the most populous areas, such passion can sometimes find destructive outlets. Impromptu demonstrations have been known to occur and can escalate into riots or shootings. For as long as Jamaica has been a popular vacation spot, the island’s reputation for crime and violence has preceded it, often overshadowing the many wonderful aspects Jamaica has to offer its visitors. The United States State Department has issued travel advisories about crime rates, particularly in Kingston and Jamaica’s own Tourist Board offers tips and warnings for keeping safe while visiting. With a recorded 1574 murders committed in 2007, locals constantly live in fear and foreigners are discouraged from visiting our island home.

The problem of corruption jeopardizes Jamaica’s economic stability and prosperity. Corruption can take the form of treason, misappropriation of funds, extortion, bribery and black market operations. In 2005, Transparency International (TI) ranked Jamaica 64th out of 158 countries on its Corruption Perception Index. This Report placed Jamaica at 4th out of 6 Caribbean nations based on the degree of corruption that is perceived to exist among politicians and public officials. Once corruption is associated with a certain person, company, government or country, it is difficult to shed the stigma. Jamaican businesses actively seek Foreign Direct Investment (FDI) and corruption only makes economic relations more complex and less forthcoming. Standard and Poor’s, provider of independent investment research and data, gives investors a 50 to 100 percent chance of losing their entire investment in countries with corruption like Jamaica. The struggling economy is indicative of failure to secure adequate foreign investment capital despite prospects for suitable development. Jamaica therefore pays an economic price as a result of the height of corruption that pervades international perception of the country.

Jamaican culture is such that it exudes a vehemence of intolerance towards homosexuality. Dancehall music as a form of social commentary expresses deep-rooted disgust with same-sex relationships. Popular lyrics such as Buju Banton’s “Boom Bye Bye”, Capleton’s “Slew Dem” and TOK’s “Chi Chi Man” have not only served to express the general sentiment of the people , but have also prompted physical violence towards those labelled as homosexuals. The lyrical content and lewd nature of theses songs have, on numerous occasions, precipitated a spur of mob beatings islandwide. International human rights activists and groups like the American-based Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders (GLAAD) have branded Jamaica as a homophobic nation. They have successfully lobbied in recent times to ban Jamaican musical acts from international showcases, as in the recent cancellation of Sizzla’s whirlwind tour of the United Kingdom. While many songs which echo anti-gay perspectives are widely accepted on the home front, they spark global concerns which negatively impacts on reggae music, Jamaican culture and the island as a vacation destination.

Indubitably, negative images of Jamaica are greatly pronounced and are more readily highlighted than the great advances that have been made. Excellence in music and sports coupled with our democratic political framework and potential for investment opportunities, serve to uphold Jamaican fame and renowned status. High crime rates, exorbitant corruption and gross disregard for human rights only play the role of dismantling Jamaica’s good name both locally and across the seas.

What Vacation???

2008-02-10T14:11:00.000-05:00

I made arrangements down to the "T". School out from February 7th, so I decided to apply for my vacation that has been carrying since last year from Digicel. It's just three days I had left but I sort it out so I would be off from Thursday the 7th and wouldn't return to work till Wednesday the 13th. Within that time I should have been a jet setter. I had plans to go to Miami, had the reservations made, PERRRRRRFECT!

Nope. Not so perfect after all. The night before I was to make my trip, I sent a text to my host in Miami, advising that I would be in the following evening and would be staying till Monday. Oh Lord, what a time to spoil it. Due to some marital arrangements that had nothing to do with me I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not welcomed so early, maybe I should consider coming in on the weekend-Saturday.

Good thing I had the flight reservations on hold until I had confirmation of my accomodations. By that time I did not have the wherewithal to change any arrangements or make any new ones considering the time or lack thereof.
I thanked her for her "hospitality" and proceeded to have my booking cancelled.

Vacation? What vacation? I have been in a sombre mood since. I had great plans for my little stint to Florida. Needless to say, I have been locked in my house since Thursday, haven't had much conversation with anyone and those who I have spoken to I am sure wish they had not spoken to me!

"We know you have a choice in travel. Thanks for flying American. Member of the One World Alliance." I'll just have to hear it another time!

Men Are Dogs

2008-01-31T14:24:00.001-05:00

I find that this is the first thing that comes to a woman's mind when she thinks of ways to describe the male species. I proved it to myself!

As an assignment in a Personal Development class, the women were asked to write six things that could sufficely sum up men. Popular amongst the responses were :
"Men are liars"
"Men are cheaters"
"Men are egotistic"
"Men are only sperm donors" etc. etc. etc.
I must admit though that the description that crept up its ugly head most often was the infamous "Men Are Dogs". I sometimes bellow the same sentiment but what do we really mean when we say this?

I suppose we could say a few things:

1. Men will have sex with any woman as long as she has a @$%%&
2. Men don't usually get emotionally attached hence will give up a relationship on a whim.

The general consensus could be that men exude negative characters that make them no better than a beast. My question therefore becomes, given what I broke it down to mean, aren't those characteristics are also indicative of a female prostitute?

All in all I guarantee that this expression won't be going anywhere for a while. As long as women continue to get hurt and have no other way of dealing with their emotions then men will always be dogs.

Birth Control and Me

2008-01-23T19:03:00.001-05:00

Two months had passed and I had not seen my monthly. Pregnant? How? Maybe! I just don't know. But then the pains began. Three weeks of excruciating pains concentrated to my left side in the region of where I suppose my ovary is. I researched all the possibilities. Ectopic pregnancy, tumor, fibroids, cysts, some kind of mass. I read it all. My last resort funny enough was just to make up my mind and visit the gynae (I hate doctors).

Let me stray a little.

Believe it or not he gave me my first pap smear. I always had a fear of having the procedure done because of all the horror stories I had heard in the past but with this doc there was no escaping it. Not to mention I have to be on top of my game now since my mother's autopsy report revealed cervical cancer.

"Keep your knees up and spread your legs!" The last part sounded good but not in this setting. I asked to see the scalpel an he showed me.
"But that is too big!"
"Not much bigger than you know what!"
I snickered a little and then I asked if it would be hot.
"Well," he said, "I have never done one before."

Hardy har har I thought to myself as he inserted. It wasn't painful at all but then again maybe my cavity was just ...........

So anyway, back to the concerns.

He explained that my uterus seemed a little enlarged from what he felt and as such he would be sending me to do an ultrasound to determine what exactly was going on inside my little reproductive centre. But then he said it could be hormonal and subsequently wrote up a request for a blood test also. Need I say that he did not miss the opportunity to tell me in no uncertain terms that I was too fat. But I feel fine and that's all that matters. LOL!

Turns out that I have none of the things I was researching at great length. I am producing eggs but I am not producing enough of that hormone to release them into my ovaries. As such the wall of my uterus grows thick in anticipation of an egg that does not come and consequently it does not shed its lining so I have no monthly. The lining proceeds to thicken to the extent that it causes me terrible abdominal pains.

Diagnosis: Anovulation
Prescription: Birth Control Pills.

Happy New Year?

2008-01-03T07:45:00.000-05:00

So 2008 came in with a bang. Bang because @ 12:00 I was on my way home from work and at the appointed hour the bus drop inna pothole! I came home, took my clothes off and went to bed but will it really be a Happy New Year?

A day and a half into the year I realize that my brother is packing up! He had expressed interest to leave home but I didn't realize it would be so soon. The truth is we don't really get along. We just exist as two individuals in a home and more often than not we are not a united front. In addition to that he doesn't get along with my father. Who does really? The man is annoying as hell! And he has pushed him to that limit!

Initially I was kinda excited at the thought of him not being here because I love a little space but when I saw "the move" materializing I shed a small tear privately. I feel like my mother left him in my hands, him being the younger one but I can't manage to "raise" him. To me he is irresponsible and still thinks like a child at the age of 22. Although she had 4 children, we were the 2 that grew up together and it will almost be like losing a piece of me. I fear that when he leaves he won't maintain contact.

I wish him all the best for the new year and those to come and I hope he doesn't meet any unbearable struggles. I have never been on my own before but it doesn't take much to see that it is not an easy road and I hope he leaves with that thought in mind.

How Was Ur Xmas?

2007-12-26T10:01:00.000-05:00

Mine was very merry...adventurous even!

So it's been almost two months with the new guy. We have a decent bond and everything and he invited me to meet the fam. That would mean travelling outside Kingston and I immediately became excited about going to Clarendon.

I was told it was a residential area but residential my $@$!#%. Apparently their interpretation of residential is not an area with certain conveniences and largely defined by FLAT, FLAT, FLAT lands! One steep $@%#@%# hill fi go uppa him yaawd! So you know big, fat me was having a great issue, not to mention the fact that I brought only slippers, which meant that for the most part I was barefooted climbing hills upon hills!

Can you imagine town mouse a country? I complained about everything! Especially the water situation. I am used to piped water and admittedly they did have the facilities for that to be possible but there was no actual water! Nickiesha, all hot and sexy going to the river to bathe at 5:30 in the morning! About a 1/2 mile walk to the river, bathe inna di ice water, feel so fresh, so clean and then have to trek 1/2 mile back? Almost defeated the purpose. He said I wasn't being appreciative of where he comes from but I told him I rather enjoy nature from someone's camera lens!

So anyway, he has a big family, a very close-knitted family. That kinda made me cringe because I am definitely not used to that. I tried to make the best of the meetings and they went well. Fairly well. Ok, they went great! He insists that his parents love me....and that would be a first!

His mother had the nerve to ask me which parish I was from! How dare she. Only Kingston girls have that air of confidence, that fashion sense, that all round whatever it is that makes us stand out! I know she realised she was wrong for that! LOL!

As much as I might have been a pain in the ass crack, I really did enjoy myself. However, due to my obligations to the Bigger Better GSM Network, I had to cut it short and run lef him an Clarendon!

So how was ur Xmas?

4:42 AM

2007-12-16T05:06:00.000-05:00

The constant vibration of my cell phone mek mi jump up outta mi sleep. Who calls at this hour? Wa oonu want? Wa oonu a badda mi fa?

Late Saturday evening my ex and I had a conversation which ended on the note that "YES WE ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER, LET ME MOVE ON IN PEACE!" for the fifty-leventh time! I just don't get it, what is so hard to understand after more than a year of not being together? Maybe it was my approach to the whole thing.

Usually after breaking up I keep malice until I get over the relationship or reach a point where I can deal with the break-up. This time there was no real malice. We broke up out of unavoidable circumstances and had kept the lines of communication free. For the entire relationship and even during it's disintegration we were "friends". I will safely admit that there was always some sort of a notion on both ends that maybe one day things could be restored to...to...to...I will call it normalcy.

Of late, which is maybe more than 3 to 4 months I made it clear that the old firestick had gotten wet and there was no glimmer of hope to dry it and mek it ketch! Obviously him tear up dat deh memo deh an dash it whey!

So now at 4:42 AM this haunted man a ring off mi phone. I opened the line the first time and said nothing. It rang twice more. On the fourth ring I answered in a rather sleepy voice and asked how I might be of assistance. Apparently at some point during his sleep he was wondering if I was sleeping beside, fondling, caressing, loving up...ok ok ok. He was wondering if I was having sex with another man!

Da bredda ya mad! At 4:42 AM, please to gallang back a yuh bed!

Goodbye Old Friend

2007-11-18T20:53:00.001-05:00

I will be giving this tribute for the life of Taiwo "Rap Brown" Mckenzie.

Life can be cruel at times. Especially when you are least expecting it to hit you.

My usual inquisitive ways caught me enraptured in someone’s telephone conversation. An all too familiar name had been the victim of a gruesome act. I don’t know about anybody else but I only know one person in the whole world named Taiwo. So of course I had to faas! That is how I found out.

Taiwo was a tall, friendly, sometimes quiet lover of basketball and rap music. I had the pleasure to have known him from in my teens. We went to Campion together and have been in the same class since first form. I admit it now guys but I had a slight crush on him. And NO! The fruits of that tree never came into season.

We grew together through the ages from being almost the same height to him drinking too much milk one summer and shooting way past the rest of us. I don’t know if he was fooled by this sudden spur in height but he suddenly thought he could roll with the big guys. In a rift that developed between the 3rd and 5th formers, I will never forget the day when Taiwo came ready for war. His weapon of choice was a rolling pin and I wondered to myself who he was planning to flatten (all puns intended!).

I remember the days when he sat in the girls bathroom on a Friday evening and I corn-rowed his hair for the weekend. It was soft like a brand new carpet and gold like the sun. And at that time in upper 6th he hadn’t had a cut in 2 years! No one would have ever known because he kept it well patted down and neat.

High school came and went and we never really lost touch. Although we did not necessarily call each other I @ least knew his phone # was always available to me. Or, I could always sign in to MSN and locate Rap Brown in my friends’ list!

The last time I had seen him was in Burger King a few weeks before it all happened. We were making arrangements for the guys to link up. As usual I would be the only girl but I still looked forward to it.

The link-up is now but it isn’t how we expected it to be. He is not here. He has left us. It was so sudden that I am sure none of us knew how to react. I do not want for us to remember him lying there. I would rather us remember that smile he had, that passion for music, that interest in b-ball, and his heart that was made of gold.

Goodbye my old friend. I pray that you will be happy and blessed on the other side of the rainbow. Sorry for not seeing you to your last journey. See you when I see u on the other side. My memories of you I will keep in a box and we can share them then. Till then, it's goodbye for now.

In the lyrics of the late, great Tupac Shakur:

And When I'm Gone, Just Carry On, Don't Mourn
Rejoice Every Time You Hear The Sound Of My Voice
Just Know That I'm Looking Down On You Smiling
And I Didn't Feel A Thing, So Baby Don't Feel No Pain
Just Smile Back...

Student Teacher Strike!

2007-11-14T08:04:00.000-05:00

The wee hours of Tuesday morning, in bed, on the phone with a new suitor being lulled to sleep.

One Please call me!
Two please call me!
Three please call me!

"A who di hell a badda mi so late?" I wondered.
Now "Please Call Me" is a sort of code that is sent when someone does not have enough funds to originate a call from their prepaid phone. What could be so important that the codes were coming in back to back?

Finally, a call was waiting. Someone actually had funds to contact me.

"Nickiesha mi naave much credit but nuh come a school till 1 o' clock tomorrow an wear white shirt and blue jeans cause we a strike! We a strike fi poor living conditions pan di hostel and pop dung facilities!".

I was ecstatic! I instantly supported the cause even though I did not live on campus. I did not even think about the facilities part as a commuting student. I was just happy for the chance to "dress up" for school and in light of the fact that I had a presentation due which I was not prepared for, I presently ended the call with a grin!

As it turns out a meeting was held with the necessary authorities to highlight the concerns and see how best they can be addressed.Blah Blah Blah...cause we all know the expected turn around time which will probably bear fruit long after I leave the institution.

I am just thankful that for the rest of the week I will not be restricted to uniform! Freedom mi seh!

I Had A Crush On Him

2007-11-09T22:40:00.001-05:00

But now his life has been crushed! He's been murdered.

I am sitting at work. I was listening to the fellow beside me mumble and all I caught was a familiar name: Taiwo. I looked, I stared. I questioned him.
"Yuh know Taiwo?"
"Yes. From RE TV."
"Well mi know him longer than that. We go high school together"
"Can't believe the man dead star!"
"Wa u jus seh? Eh"

And then there were tears!

I cried. I cried for my mother. I cried for Marlon. I cried for Rush. I cried for Taiwo. I cried for a year marred by death.

And then I started to have memories. I wasn't a tomboy but I tended to hang around the boys alot. Taiwo was one such boy and I had a high school crush on him. I know he felt the same way about me at one point but we never ever mentioned it, never addressed it in any way, never acted on it. EVER!

I ask myself now if it is appropriate to be thinking that way. To be thinking about the crush I had more than 10 years ago now that he is gone.

I will be attending his funeral. I have to pay my respects. I will be crushed to see a crush, crushed.

Rain, Rain, Rain, Rain......

2007-11-03T21:57:00.000-05:00

I could go on and on typing dat same word. Y? That's all that has been in the weather report for the past month. Can you imagine 4 weeks of constant rain? Everyday frigging day! Not a light due either! Heavy rains! Torrential rains!

Jamaican tropical climate is such that we do have rain but there is always the Sun to go with the Sand and the Sea. Mi cyaan tell wen laas mi get likke sunshine inna mi life. 24/7 rain, rain, rain!

Don't get me wrong. I do not mind the rain but it's better when it pours while I am on the inside. Sheltered. Warm. And that was not the case on Thursday morning.

So my cousin left me in Half-Way-Tree as usual and I would have to bus it to Cross Roads. No problem. As I boarded the bus the rain start to tear. I lifted mine eyes unto the Lord for he saved me from the showers, but it seems as though I had sinned cause as the bus reach a Cross Road an mi fi come off. Wooosh. Rain come dung! Fava chicken a gaa school.

Mi decide fi dip inna di 2 week washload fi get some tings clean an make use of the fighting sun this morning. As di fus load start quail pon di line. Drizzle, drizzle and u know di res. Mi jus lock up di house an wrap up an go sleep! Wanda if tomorrow will bring sun? Cause mi nuh like see dutty clothes!

This rain is mighty expensive. It a go cost everybody a pretty penny if and when it tap! House a wash whey. Cars a get wrecked. Di road dem mash up. Suppose oonu see di big crater dem whe form inna di road?. Drap inna one a dat u might haffi swim out! A cyaan tek it at all!

Rain coulda when deal likkkle more mi nah lie, I enjoyed miself a Mas Camp last week Saturday. Mello Vibes was jus right. Although mi expensive an dear hairstyle wash out, I pardy hardy! LOL!

And that my devoted readers, could be the reason why di flu is upon me!

Hurricane season need fi micase an done now man. It a mash up mi bizniz! Mi waa back mi sunny wedda!

How U So Lie?

2007-10-20T22:57:00.000-05:00

That's the response I get whenever I tell people that I am a single single single girl.

What's wrong with making a choice to cut and go choo by yuh lonesome?

There are times when I could do with a little company yes but still, I rather to trod it alone than to get involved with someone who I anticipate only the worse from. See, I have less than an ounce of trust to give to any man these days and it's just not worth it!

With my busy schedule, I have little time for myself much less to devote to building any relationships. What man would want a woman that he can only see for less than an hour a day (that's probably all I can spare!)? I would be setting myself up fi get bun an look how far easter deh doah eeh?

And if u see mi a road an aks mi nutten bout nuh man mi jus mite hawk an......... matta a fak mi mite jus juk out yuh.....or hike up mi frack an tear out mi........

Mek mi behave miself!

First Year Lady

2007-09-08T15:03:00.000-05:00

So the school year started and eventhough I am thrilled, right now I don't even want to think about the Mico University College. For the past 3 and a 1/2 days I have been undergoing the Orientation process and this required me to live on the Errol Miller Hostel for Mico ladies.

So my dad dropped me off on Wednesday with my bulging carry along suitcase filled with personal items, clothes including school uniforms cup an plate an fork and all that I may have needed for the next 3 days.

The process began with registration. I entered the gymnasium and my spirit was instantly crossed. Wa kinda crowd was dat? Mi naave time fi dis! But I had to do it. I made sure to question all the student officers I could to find out whether or not I would have to board for the upcoming 3 days at the hostel. Each person drove home that it was required for me to stick around. I joined the long "S", handed in my documentation, rejoined the line to get my course listings and then rejoined it to hand in the form with all the courses that I was required to sign up for.

Finally, with registration complete I now thought that I would get the time to rest for the remainder of the day. Boy was I wrong! I jumped on a taxi and took my things over to the hostel which is a short distance by car from the campus itself. My worst nightmare begun!

I had to pass through "Customs", where I was told to set my luggage aside for inspection as no appliances were allowed except a clothes iron to straighten out your uniforms. I stood back for assessment after which I was told to remove all jewelery and cut my nails. Good thing those were mine and not paid for because I would be rather upset. Looking at the brighter side at least I did not have to pull out the hem of my skirt like other ladies.

My unit had 6 first year ladies and we had to remain inseparable for the next 3 days. So up the stairs we all went back and forth, back and forth in a line until all the luggage for all the ladies were placed in the unit hallway. We chose rooms and my room mate happened to be my namesake and that was the only sake cause she was nothing, absolutely nothing like me.

Before we could even begin to relax, a whistle was sounded. "First year ladies report to the music room! All First year ladies report to the music room now!" So we lined up with our chairs and made our way. The night was filled with introductions, policies and procedures and then judgement came. We were required to go onstage in units and recite the college pledge. The College what? Mi neva even look pon da papa deh since mi get it inna June! But thanks to my quick learning skills, I was able to recite it along with my unit sisters and we did quite well.

Late to bed (12:30 thereabouts) and early to rise. The whistle sounded at 3:30AM and we were required to be downstairs fully dressed for exercise with a name tag pinned to our left breasts! I was not pleased. Exercise is not my specialty but no complaints from me I did it and completed the session.

Fully attired in uniform, we walked from the hostel to the campus in single file, accompanied by student officers and the Madam Senior Lady. On campus all day we engaged in various planned activities including a campus tour and all this had to be done without looking at the male students. They were to be regarded as brothers and looking at them was deemed to be incestuous! A few ladies were perturbed but from the glimpses I caught I could deal with holding my head down while passing them all day because there was none worth a second look.

This was to be the procedure for the remainder of the process. I didn't have a big problem. It was culture shock at first because of the lack of comfort in comparison to my own home but I adjusted easily and so easily to the point where I have become quite well known by the councillors for being the confident one, the entertainer, the outspoken one. No surprises there.

My sisters, save for one (the namesake) who realised she just couldn't live amongst so many younger persons as an older woman and requested a transfer to the older womens block, will surely miss me. They didn't even want me to leave. It's OK, I'll see them around and I have already identified who will be my closest friend. Like I told her, everywhere I go I make one single friend and I think she realises who she is!

Monday morning classes are slowly approaching and although I am home now I will go back to being a First Year Lady.

Dean and Me

2007-08-29T23:53:00.000-05:00

So it has been about 2 weeks. Dean tun bway ya now. Di big bad storm did not hit us but it sure did mek we know seh a him run bout ya pon august 19th.

So the rain started from Saturday night. It wasn't much but at least we knew that a storm was coming, and it rained into the bleaky Sunday morning. Preparing for storm, I had to make sure dinner was prepared, all dishes were clean, candles on standy-by, oil in the lamp and all was well anticipating the passing of Dean.

I sat online and milked every last minute of the internet knowing full well that power was going to be history any time after 10am and not knowing at all when it would be back. 10 o'clock came, and so did 11,12 and 1 but shortly before 2pm it was lights out. I rushed to hold my final good shower because with light gone, water was sure to be next.

So Dean stood me up I thought, he should have been here by midday. It was now well after 3pm and it was almost like nothing was going to happen. I waited and waited until I finally decided to take a nap. By the time I woke up, water was gone and Dean seemed to be here (or @ least I guess!).

So camera phone in hand, I decided to record a few bending trees but unfortunately, I missed a piece of flying zinc. I figured from my veranda, I wouldn't catch much action so I decided to stop and take refuge inside at my door steps. Sitting beside my father's parked car, I had flashlight and phones in hand while I kept tabs on the mop, the bucket and the water that was trickling under the back room door.

Luckily for me, even though I had turned my cell phones off to preserve the fully charged batteries, my land line service was ongoing and I could at least keep in contact with my best friend.

Where is Dean? We questioned each other. Yes it was raining and yes the wind was heavy but Ivan was a category 3 and he seemed more forceful. The only communication we had about the storm was from the radio and the announcers themselves seemed to be in the dark too. So I decided to enlist the services of my friend in Miami to be my personal weatherman. And his first report stated that Dean had long passed Kingston with the eye offshore and was inching his was towards St. Elizabeth and heading away from Jamaica.

So eventually Dean was gone, we were in the dark, had nothing but rain water, the silence of the night and anticipation for the light of day.

Water by Monday, electricity by Wednesday, we all feared well and we must give thanks.

Wata Come Eena Mi Room...

2007-08-18T12:27:00.001-05:00

Mi have di broom fi sweep it out, ready and waiting but I am hoping it doesn't come in at all!

As Hurricane Dean makes its approach to my island home, the prospects don't look too good. Described as a "Monster" and currently at a category four stage, it is expected to make landfall in Jamaica as a category five hurricane. Isn't that the strongest of storms?

Jamaica just cannot deal with that. We are nowhere near prepared. Nowhere. The Prime Minister has already made her appeal for foreign aid and we are still under a Hurricane watch.

In recent times, countless storms have threatened the island, but have managed to whirl away from us. As such we have adapted this mentality of "Jamaica bless". But that lackadaisic attitude just cannot work now, considering what Dean is expected to leave in its path.

I myself have not wasted any time. I have done as much as I can possibly do and I still do not feel that sense of safety and security. Whereas within the fences of my yard, all may be well, I am broadening my scope of thought to include my fellow Jamaicans. Not only that but all the activities that will take place outside the walls of my home and their subsequent impact on my well-being over the next few days at least.

So I sat at work on Friday night and thought to myself. I can man this storm. All I need is my internet connection and I'm good. But what internet connection without electricity?...LOL.

As Dean continues to steadily veer towards us and with the winds picking up outside as I type, I can only hope for lives saved, and the strength to pick up the pieces after what is certain to be a disaster.

All Work And No Play...

2007-07-28T00:04:00.000-05:00

...makes Nickiesha cross, angry, miserable.

So Independence weekend is just around the corner and we all know what that means. Partayyyyyy!!!!. But not for me. I anticipate a hectic work schedule with possibly quite a few hours of overtime.

The buzz on the streets right now is ATI/RTI Weekend in Negril. Growing up through the ATI buzz for years and years, never has it appealed to me. Not my style of partying, not my kind of crowd. I tend not to do all-inclusives because I do not drink, I don't eat when I go out (believe it or not), so I would be spending my J$8500 for a season pass to dress impy skimpy, buss two cute whine and probably see people from yesteryear. I'll surely pass.

Maybe just maybe I will find something local to do over the same weekend. That way I will have stories to tell too. But I think I know what I'll do. I need to find a social male butterfly to hang around and hopefully he will lure me into the idea of taking a night off to party. Yea. A dat mia go do. But do I have enoough time?

My friend Ceta has been trying to set me up on some random male friend of hers much to my annoyance because I hate match-making. Maybe I'll finally give her the permission to divulge my number and see what a little less work and a little more play can do.

Memories of The Big Apple

2007-07-24T19:42:00.000-05:00

Growing up I hated New York and as such I always found a reason to not want to go there. The much anticipated trip away from home has come and gone and it was well spent.But I must extend warm regards to those who made it worthwhile for me.

Has it been two weeks since I left New York? Almost!

I had tons of fun. Had lots to do and so little time to have done it. Busy as a bee surely described my time there. Going here, going there, being shown around, taken to nice places, getting on the subway (by myself as the days went by), meeting new people, going shopping, even staying home at times seemed to be such a different experience. Now I feel like I should take the time out to get acquainted with the big city.

Back home and it is so overwhelming. From work to home and not much time for leisure sure sucks. Not to mention how my plate will be filled in the upcoming weeks to make final arrangements to be at school "September morning".

So I was informed I am now entitled to 8 more vacation days for the remainder of the year. Who would've thought?...Thinking of going back. Sounds like a plan but maybe by then it will be too cold. I hate the cold unless of course there will be someone to keep me warm....**thinking****thinking****thinking**. I doubt it. Maybe next year!

Music Alone

2007-06-24T14:51:00.000-05:00

"In ruff times,
Tuff times,
Only music can clear your mind,
Music aloooone,
Takes me to Jah home"
[Music Alone by Ginjah]

I love music.

It's funny that being 23 years old one would think that mainstream, commercial music in its most modern form would be highly appealing to me. Not true. I hate "boogu yagga" music, even the kind that seems to have become indicative of popular Jamaican music.

"Jump up jump up" music has its time and place and can sometimes effect a vibe in me. I wouldn't expect to go to a street dance or be in the clubs and listen to cultural music, vintage reggae and old souls all night. Maybe this is why I am not much of a party animal. I don't care for the typical genres of music that bang in the clubs and as such I dont spare much time for partying. This is not to say that I wouldn't "bus a blank" or "put up mi gunfinga" for a particular "chune".

I appreciate music for its lyrical content but more so for the rhythmic value. I catch the beats long before I catch the words. This being the case a more melodious form of music that relaxes my soul, calms my nerves and clears my mind is what I normally go for.

I am also biased towards music. I will more readily lend a listening ear to my Jamaican "righteous music" and "singjay" tunes than any other genre that would appeal to my heart strings. But I do enjoy my fair share of neo-soul and rhythm and blues.

I have been told over and over that I am an old soul. That's true. But I rather continue to look and act my age and let my soul be old.

Glad I've Got You...

2007-06-08T18:44:00.001-05:00

Richie Spice is one of my favourite roots reggae artistes and there is a song of his that I absolutely adore. I am hooked on it and not because it brings back any memories but because the words of the song are words that I wish I could share with someone special.

I have shared them with someone and he is special but there is a part of the song that does not apply.

"Glad I've got you, now you are mine."

He is not mine. He belongs to someone else. But it still is nice to know that we have some sort of spiritual connection combined with a strong emotional attachment. I hope those emotions don't let us get carried away.

I've attached the song for your listening pleasure.

I'm Not A Loner...

2007-06-02T00:55:00.000-05:00

I just like to be alone.

I am a sociable person, very likeable and extremely energetic. I like to make people feel comfortable around me. Kick up their heels and enjoy my company but I've been hanging out by myself lately and I like it. I still maintain relations with the few friends I have but as much as we might say a quick hello over the telephone, and maybe "fass inna" each other's business a little, they don't see me.

I have a set of friends; two cousins, one of which is my bestest friend , and the other my best friend, that live three houses away from me. We haven't seen each other in a while. Maybe a slight glimpse and a small wave but not long enough to even hold a firm reasoning. As much as everybody has their busy schedules, we normally could spare time for each other. But no more. And here's the reason why.

My best friend has a new beau. My spirit hasn't taken much liking to him and I don't seem to know why. Maybe if I sat down and tried to figure it out then I probably could come up with something but for now I just stay away. She has confronted me about it because normally I get along well enough with her suitors. But I am just not feeling him. Could it be because he ruined one of our Girls' Nite In when he just entered the scene? Maybe!

Staying away from my best friend unavoidably affects the frequency with which I see my bestest friend. Largely because they live together, and most of the time spent with my bestest friend is spent while he is home.

Staying away from my best and bestest friends means getting back close to my bester friend. LOL!. Yes, my bester friend and I suffered a strained relationship about a year ago and the screws are finally being tightened. I really looked forward to the day when we would get back this close and I'm loving it. But she doesn't see me either.

Really if it wasn't for work, I do not think I would leave the confines of my house. No way! Not that I am a troublemaker or anything but trouble has a funny way of finding me and staying in is really worth the while. I think I'm going to keep this up!

Good Friends We've Lost

2007-05-18T00:36:00.001-05:00

It's been 3 months since my friend was gunned down and I just realise how much I miss him.

I took for granted when he was around, not his friendship but the constant nagging for us to be lovers and the fallouts because of that.

When he died I erased his phone number from my phone but I can't erase his memories from my heart. I took up the phone today to "call him". I knew he wouldn't answer, but just the thought of giving him a ring.

Little did I know that only hours after he drove me to work, that I wouldn't see him again.

Marlon I miss you.

I no longer have anybody to argue with constantly. Nobody to tell me "Nickiesha! Nickiesha, I don't love you anymore cause you don't love me."

Yes I did. Maybe not the way you wanted. But I did.

For My Mother: May Her Soul Be At Rest

2007-03-20T12:32:00.000-05:00

We lost Vivine Gean Levy only days ago but it seems like we have been missing her for an eternity. We miss her kindly presence, that reassuring voice and the happy ending that we had wished for her. Gean belongs to the ages now but we preferred it when she belonged to us.

When the sun sets tonight off the coast of Negril, and we lay to rest our beloved, a great life story will close. Daughter of Hubert and Cynthia Levy, Gean was born on the 22nd day of June, 1953 in the district of Royal Flat, Manchester. Traveling as she grew older to Kingston, she would meet her share of hardship, struggle and uncertainty. And out of that circumstance came a truly strong woman of steadiness, calm, and a cheerful confidence that life would bring good things, qualities that all of us had the privilege to see in her.

My mother spent her formative years in Manchester under the supervision of her parents and an aunt. She entered into an early union with a Cecil Larmond which resulted in two boys, Havlon and Linval, the former of which made his transition only months ago. When her children were quite young she made her way to the capital city in search of a better life.

No time after arriving here, whilst employed in the Mona area she happened upon my father, fondly known as Pepsi, and out of that union came her last two of four children, myself and Andre – me first!

Words cannot begin to describe the woman I knew as Mommy. She was hardworking, extremely caring with a big warm heart and I cannot forget to mention the excellent cook she was.

She was an active parent. Making sure that we not only went to school to get or education but she also made sure to involve herself in school activities. She was well known as the go-to parent when it came to what would be on the menu of the Dunrobin Primary School’s annual fair day. And on the day of the event she could always be found behind the jerk pan!

Even after myself and Andre. Moved on to secondary institutions she could always be counted on to assist other parents with getting their children enrolled at Dunrobin and she never once failed.

Gean was family oriented. She always saw to the well-being of her children and her partner and she always wanted the best for us, even putting our needs before her own. She always saw to it that we left home clean and looking sharp and she forever made sure that we were well fed.

Cooking was her thing. The Sunday rice and peas and chicken, the Monday leftover, re-done like new. The Tuesday stew beef and white rice. Wednesday was another rice and peas day. Thursday was whatever she laid hands on. Friday was every man for himself until Saturday’s traditional beef soup. The kitchen will surely miss the banging of pots and pans, the gravy flowing over into the stove and the constant washing of dishes.

In 2003 her illness came to the fore but it did not stop her much because she was an active woman. It finally took its toll on her and now she has left the physical world. We are not to be filled with sorrow but with great memories by the score. My mother showed me what a woman should be. She carried herself with a decency and attention to small kindnesses that also defined a good life. She was a gentle and considerate woman, never known to slight or embarrass others. Many people cherish the opportunity to have known her and many can only tell us about the good days.

We must remember that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away and he was ready to take his angel back. Now death has done all that death can do. And as Gean goes her way, we are left with the joyful hope she shared. Now she can finally see her Saviour face to face.

And we look for that fine day when we will see her again. Free of pain, all weariness gone, clear of mind, strong and sure, and smiling again, and the sorrow of her parting gone forever.

May God bless her soul and may she Rest In Peace.

Valentine's Is For Lovers

2007-02-14T21:29:00.000-05:00

And lonely won't leave me alone.

I have never had the opportunity to really enjoy Valentine's day with any love interest. Either i'm single at the time or there is a much too convenient strain in whatever relationship I mmight be in at the time.

So all day today I have been seeing people expressing their belief in the observed Day Of Love by whatever means. Clad in red and white, carrying baskets to be delivered or those received, roses on co-worker's desks, little trinkets like cupcakes and blah blah blah.

My heart is heavy. Not because I am jealous of the fact that they are being loved; by all means, I am upset at the fact that I am not; well not knowingly or professedly anyway.

There might be a one Tom, two Dicks (all puns intended) LOL, and maybe three Harrys but none of these "suitors" are actually mine. With this being said, the effect is never the same when a friend or a random Joe, wish you a warm Valentine's. I turn my my nose up at that.

Valentine's is for lovers. Don't wish me anything!

The Strength Of A Woman Made Stronger By Her Man

2007-02-02T19:09:00.000-05:00

My friend is expecting a child. My friend is a man.

He gave me the good news yesterday in not so many words that he was going to be a dad. I say not so many words because, he didn’t sound so excited. I questioned him about the lack of emotion in his voice, and so ensued a conversation that I will never forget.

With so much trouble and hardships in the world, it is not easy bringing up a child, so one would have thought that maybe, he was already sunk deep into thought about how he was going to be able to afford and successfully raise his “yute”. But that did not seem to be the source of his disinterest - for want of a better word.

In trying to save his black ass from what we Jamaicans call “a proper tracing”, he tried to convince me, a woman, that a pregnancy is not supposed to have a profound emotional impact on a female- female in this case being the same female that is bearing the child.

My heart wept. I know he didn’t say what he really intended to. Maybe it was just his choice of words. But he did mean what he said. His reasoning was, the mother-to-be is well aware that she is with child. [But of course]. As such she is supposed to mentally prepare herself in such a way that as the pregnancy progresses, and the pain intensifies, she can disguise her discomfort. In other words; his words “Mi cyan tek di bawling”.

How dare you?

Do you know the physical pain a pregnancy can bring?
Do you know the pains of labour?
Do you know the strength of a woman?

Your woman’s strength is in carrying your child, being strong enough to bear the pain which you never could and at the same time express herself even with tears. Let her cry. It is her right to!

Although I cannot answer the pregnancy-related questions above because I myself have not yet had the privilege of being an expectant mother, I think as a woman I can relate to pain as well as I can relate to the strength of a woman.

My friend, I think you are in fear and rightfully so because you do not know the joys of fatherhood, but my best advise to you is, make her comfortable, be there for her, let her express herself, bear the bawling. Let her weep and dry her tears. Your support will only make her stronger and make the pregnancy that much easier. It will only be for a short time. The end results are for a lifetime.

I’m here for you.

Can't Keep A Good Woman Down

2007-01-22T18:50:00.000-05:00

There are many aspects of my life that really need to be sorted out and I am sorry but Spring cleaning MUST begin from Winter [even though there are really no seasons in Jamaica].

The New Year came in with a bang: the sounds of gunshots that is, and while I stood under the shower, my yearly ritual, to wash away 2006, I reflected or made some silent resolutions. I did not document them anywhere, just thought out loud to myself.

The time has come for me to be proactive. Far too long have I sat in the wings, waiting for my big break to come, but I have come to realise that in life there are no guarantees and procrastination must end.

I feel a sense of refreshment that hopefully will be the drive to get up an go for the gold. The gold in this case, seems to spread over many things but nothing tried, nothing done.

So for this year, I am seeking to re-enroll in the tertiary education system and pursue my dream of imparting much of my knowledge that has been locked away in the central processing unit of my big head to younger folk. Do I look like a teacher? Heard it all before!

I know I have said before that I find it quite easy to give up, but with the big wheels of life turning and turning, if I don't move full speed ahead then I might get crushed. And what a sight that would be!.LOL. So now I must abandon that way of thinking and rise to the occasion.

I challenge myself. This is my ultimate goal.

Dem can't keep a good woman down!

Easy To Give Up

2007-01-16T15:21:00.000-05:00

That decribes me to a "T", especially with men.

Now it has only been a few weeks and i know y'all been reading and saw about the "new kid on the block", but my admiration of same yute has dwindled to the point of "cyaan badda".

He still remains as ambitious and goal-oriented as he was when we had just met BUT, all those goals and aspirations have come in the way of the attention that i am seeking.

What would the world be if the average human did not know how to manage his/her time and prioritise accordingly? Not because you work long hours mean that you shouldnt put as much effort into establishing a relationship. I work long hours too and have far more reponsibilities on my table but i still find the time. After all, it was you who had the grand idea of making me your girlfriend.

I do not have the time to waste. MY time is precious to me and i believe it would be better invested in something that had potential, the same potential that whatever it is that exists between me and him is lacking.

As much of a gentleman as he is, he has no romantic bones in his body. As hardcore and "streets" as i am, a little affection now and then can go a far way in reeling me in.

He still hasnt pulled my strings, and now the said strings have turned into lengths of steel.

Easy to give up, that describes me to a "T", and i truly have given up on him.

Decent Jubbie Wid Di Decent Wine

2007-01-10T20:07:00.000-05:00

Towards the end of last year i happened upon a decent jubbie by way of an old jubbie of mine. They happen to be associates but the long and short of it is that me an di new jubbie are now more than just jubbying around.

The initial meeting was pure chance as i was getting ready for work and my ex-boyfirend happened to call, and as the coversation progressed he offered to take me to work.

I willingly accepted the offer largely due to the fact that it was a School Uniform Affair at work and i didnt want to be caught dead on the streets of Kingston, a big 23 year old tough foot like me in a hail CAMPION hail uniform.

He was late in coming to pick me up, just by a few minutes but he arrived with a friend comfortably seated in his car. Introductions and subsequent pleasantries were exchanged as we hustled and bustled through Kingston traffic jams on our way to New Kingston, and eventually i imput my number into the friend's phone.

The text messages started to come, followed closely by the calls, to the point where we made arrangements to meet. We've kept in close contact since, probably too close for comfort but i may be getting too comfortable.

He is a great gentleman, wonderful person all around, but i am blighted by the fact that he is not my normal kinda guy. He is more humble than anything [with a nice and sexy and tight body might i add], but there is just something that is not pulling on my heart strings.

Last Sunday i went for a drive out with him, which took us to Clarendon, where he went to supervise some work being done on a house he is building and for some reason, he introduced me to his family as his girlfriend. I was extremely upset because i was placed in a jam, not made to feel any better after the older members of his family sought to get me to encourage him to do certain things. The ultimate being that i should tell him I WANT TO LIVE IN CLARENDON, to get him to move into the house rather than lease it out.

Upon leaving the house i expressed my disgust and after pampering and petting and all the good stuff, we sorted through that and we are now back to where we left off.

I am attracted to him. I am attracted to his mind. I am attracted to his drive and ambition and i am more than attracted to his "performance" but the strings still are not pulling.

I think this is a good one people. I am really trying. Really.

I Thought You Were The Minister's Right Hand Man

2007-01-06T08:29:00.000-05:00

So i went to a "ni nite" last nite, and was summoned by an unsuspecting member of the male species.

HIM: Hi , my name is John Doe and you are?
ME: Nickiesha Findley
HIM: So do you work?
ME: Wa kinda question dat..............
and so proceeded the conversation.

Now that is no way to approach a woman, whether or not you are looking for a one night stand or something long-term.

My first impression based off the introductory question was that this man is damn rass cheap. Well knowing seh him cyaan mine ooman an waan know if u work fi mine uself an probly him too.

He delved as deep into my life as he could go, even asking why i am 23 and childless, my answer to which was i cant cock it up an breed fi every man i come across, and times too hard to be careless.

This man was way up on a high horse, way too high so i "went up to his level" cause i wanted to give him a run for his buck whilst he bragged and boasted about working with the Minsitry of Labour.

Low and behold when i started popping the big words, reasoning objectivley and riding saddle to saddle with him, the man clearly stated he likes submissive women of which i am not. I stated this clearly to him, not failing to advise that i did not find him appealing...he wasnt my type.

He invited me here, there and to the moon to no avail as i stated to him since I DO WORK, i may not be able to find the time he was requesting.

HIM: But i want to take you to Rebel Salute and that is after 11:00 @ night, u work @ night
ME: Sometimes, when u call 100 [Digicel Customer Care] dont u always get thru?
HIM: So a dat kinda work u do?
ME: Yes, and i do it well. What do u do @ the Ministry of Labour?
HIM: Lights and A/C.
ME: Huh? What u do with the lights and a/c?
HIM: I fix them!

I was thrown for a loop, the way the man a hype an gwaan i thought this man siddung an draft out di the Ministry's budget with the minister, i really thought this man was the Minister's Right Hand Man!

Watch the hype!

All I Want For Christmas

2006-12-20T23:47:00.000-05:00

With Christmas peeping roun di corner and all the "joy" it brings, it seems mi mite haffi siddung an brainstorm fi come up wid a list a tings wa mi want fi di holidays.

What does Nickiesha like? I'm quite humble and much of a free spirit so i don't do well with wishlists. Mi basically tek wa mi get, smile an seh tanx!

This Christmas will be no different i suppose. I can concoct a list, no matter how long, and make requests to everybody i know. BUT, of all the people i know and associate myself with, i may be lucky enough to get one gift.

As much as Jamaica has become quite Americanized, and as much we have adopted the "commercial Christmas spirit", the stores may be decked with lots of holly and fa la la la laaa but we havent adopted the spirit of actually spending money. Jam packed streets, crowded stores, nowhere to walk, park or do a damn ting but nuh money nah spend.

With that in mind i might as well settle for something with no price tag. Something more or less priceless.

So what then do i really want for Christmas?

I want to be truly happy with myself and i wish for good health especially for my Mom. And for what it's worth I want the New Year to be extremely prosperous. If i could get JUST that for Christmas, i would extend my arms, tek wa mi get, skin mi teeth an seh tanx!

And that's all i want for Christmas.

Girls Jus Wanna Have Fun.....

2006-12-07T14:43:00.000-05:00

.....an mi a go have fun wid dem too.

So i've thrown most of my cares thru the window and have decided to just enjoy mi self!
Wen di selecta seh enjoy yuhself gyal enjoy yuhself, my foot dem shall be di fisrt ones fi cock up inna di air.

My office is throwing a christmas bash and unfortunately i will miss Mr. Lover's Rock, Beres Hammond himself live in concert but i am upbeat jus the same cause i have an alternative to fill my weekend drive for entertainment with The Immortal Stone Love.

It shall be a "Girls' Nite Out". Fun and excitement whilst on the manhunt, save for a "oldfoot" friend of mine who is happily TIED DOWN in what seems to be a whirlwind romance with a seemingly "hottie hottie". Have no fear Mr. Hotstuff, i'll keep mine eyes on her.

I'm feeling alive and i'm all well and kicking. This burst of energy came out of nowhere and i suppose if i keep my mind stressfree it will carry over into the weekend. I'm really overdue for some Niceness.In.Xcess.

Tell me it's real: the feelings that i feel........for myself!. I'm in love with me right now and i guess if i hold my head high and continue to walk with this air of confidence, den dem cyaan keep a good woman down.

The Writing's On The Wall

2006-12-04T17:52:00.000-05:00

Or in this case: My Forehead.

So in recent times i have realised that i am not the happy camper i used to be. There was a time when i was carefree and oftentimes quite happy, and even if i wasn't, it was very easy to disguise it.

It dawned on me today that persons are now realising what I am trying to hide. I have curled up in my shell for some time and eventhough it's getting hot in there, I prefer to burn up than look out into the world.

My mother pointed it out to me "Nickiesha you dont look happy" Damn, i was hoping to do do a better job!

Can soap and water remove the sign on my forehead?

Tun On Back Di Light

2006-11-30T16:00:00.000-05:00

Let me draw the curtains and open the blinds, and let u into my world. As 2006 comes to an end and i reflect, I ask myself, what have i achieved......ummm....ummmm....ummmm...Not a damn ting!

2006 come ketch mi with my then significant other. I always hear dem seh wen New Years come see u wid u smaddy then it will last......by February it fell apart! Then my mother fell ill and then by April my brother died. And then my health went haywire!!!!!Chicken pox and everyting attack mi!

I am an optimist living in a pessimist's skin. I always try to stay positive but each time i look on the bright side, the damn bulb blow!

Can somebody please tun on back di light?

Here I Am.....

2006-11-29T20:15:00.000-05:00

I have been wanting to create blog spot forever but now is di time.
Hi, i'm Nickiesha and i am woman..duh!!!
Jamaica mi bawn, Jamaica mi live an Jamaica mi come from!.....the words of an Alozade song for the dancehall fans.
I am fun-loving gal, very down to earth and i would like to think i am strong-minded!
I AM the life of the party beacause my personality is vibrant but i am quite a loner in reality. I love people but i hate them, if u get ma drift!
Wanna know more? I can tell u, but i dont kow what to say right now!
Stay tuned i guess................